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Humor: Words to live by

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Words to live by:
(submitted by Retirement Detectives member Ed M. -  Prince Edward County ON, Canada)

1) The things that cometo those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

2) The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

3) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

4) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

5) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6) Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

7) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

8) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9) If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

10) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.


 

Last Updated on Saturday, 01 August 2009 02:54
 

Humor: 23 Global Economic Models

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SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

 

A CANADIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The Americans impose a 100% import duty, then ban all Canadian cows from entering the USA.

The Canadians respond "I'm Sorry".

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

(This just added)

A PANAMANIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, owned by an anonymous corporation.
You wish to sell them. You stand in line for nine days while seven government departments stamp and process your paperwork. While you are waiting in line, someone in the government steals your cows. You must then pay a bribe and stand in line for three more days in order to report the theft to the police.

 
 
 

 

 

Humor: 22 Global Economic Models

E-mail Print PDF

 

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.


 

A CANADIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

The Americans impose a 100% import duty, then ban all Canadian cows from entering the USA.

 

The Canadians respond "I'm Sorry".

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM

 

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

 
 


 

Murder Statistics for Latin America

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Murder statistics for Latin America.

Provided by Kristin Brinner, Retirement Investigator, compiled from Wikipedia data

 

Most recent complete data; 2006.

For comparison purposes, murders per 100,000 people:

 

Canada 1. 85

USA 5.7

Mexico 10.8 * before the drug war

Belize 33.0

Guatemala 43.0

El Salvador 55.3

Honduras 45.2 * before the military coup

Nicaragua 12.0

Costa Rica 7.68

Panama 11.3

Colombia 37.3

Ecuador 16.9


(from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_murder_rate)

Last Updated on Wednesday, 08 July 2009 17:20
 

An economic solution - finally!

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Sent in by RD member D. Davies, Canada

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.           

--- Cicero, 55 BC

D. B. Davies
(416) 266 1201
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
For information on Podium Power!, turn up the sound and click here:  http://www.audioacrobat.com/note/CYnGSYgQ/


 

Last Updated on Saturday, 01 August 2009 17:03
 

How can I get my business reviewed?

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s_logo

To get your business, service, real estate development or restaurant reviewed, send us an e-mail describing why your establishment is unique. ( This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it )

Give us your website address (if you have one), your e-mail address, and your telephone number.

Tell us: When are you open? Closed? What days?

Most importantly, give very clear driving directions and where to park.

Tell us the cross streets, what to look for on the corner, and biggest buildings in the area. Is it a one way?

What does your building look like from the outside? What color is it?

Make yourself easy to find. What is the owners name? Who do we ask for when we arrive?

 

 If you go to an establishment you have read about here, tell them Roberto Chocolate sent you!

Last Updated on Saturday, 01 August 2009 18:47
 

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